


Don't You Get It?...

by Cruel_Irony



Series: Tumblr Promts [6]
Category: Hollyoaks
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Honeymoon, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 07:38:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17442698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cruel_Irony/pseuds/Cruel_Irony
Summary: For the Tumblr prompt, No. 73 "Don't you get it? I'm in love with you, and that scares the hell out of me!"Set during the Jarry affair - if the boys said "I love you" sooner.





	Don't You Get It?...

“I love you.”

Harry goes deathly still, not even breathing, while his heart races a mile a minute in his chest. Oh, no, he thinks. Staring into James’ eyes, Harry sees his vulnerable honesty and the complete lack of regret in saying the three simple words, but also, as more seconds tick by, the realisation that Harry is not saying it back.

They’re over two months into their affair, Harry’s wedding to another man is in a few weeks, and he knows with all his heart that going through with the marriage would kill him. All he wants is to stay with James. What he feels for the man he is currently in bed with eclipses whatever modicum of affection he has for Ste. The truth is, he would choose James in a heartbeat.

“Uh— I—.” God, I really am pathetic.

Bile rises in Harry’s throat instead of words. He chokes it down but then tears burn behind his eyes. Which would be more preferable, vomiting or crying after a declaration of love? It’s not that he’s never said the words; he has said it to his family, and to Ste - which, upon reflection, makes it even worse that he cannot say them to the one person who means more to him that anything else.

With a frustrated sigh at himself, Harry pulls away from James and sits up in bed, his hands reaching out for his discarded clothes. He can’t look at James’ face right now and see the despair and heartbreak in his eyes and in the set of his mouth. He can’t look at what he’s done because he didn’t mean to hurt him. The guilt eating away at him is worse than what he felt after killing Ryan, even worse than the guilt he felt about Amy. Why can’t I just say it? 

“I’m sorry.”

Harry freezes. What does James have to be sorry for? I’m the one who should be sorry. Startled, he turns around. His fingers fall numbly from their fumbled attempt to button his shirt, and his mouth is agape. He must look so slow and confused - God, he barely scraped his A-levels and James has a bloody law degree from one of the country’s top universities - how did he ever think he could stand beside James as an equal, let alone be in a relationship with him without showing him up with his damn dumb brain?

“I know you won’t say it back. You’re engaged.” James gives a dry chuckle, looking anywhere but not Harry’s eyes. As if he won’t see the man’s pain so long as he averts his gaze. But Harry sees anyway. “Soon, you’ll be married, off on a honeymoon somewhere sunny, and you’ll have forgotten all about me. But I can’t deny how I feel about you, Harry. Let me have this.”

James’ heart is breaking in front of Harry’s eyes. It is only being held together by pride; James will only let himself break apart once he is alone. Harry doesn’t ever want him to be alone again, if only to keep that beautiful heart in one piece. This man is so pure and beautiful, so selfless that he would admit his love knowing it is unreciprocated.

The words he wishes to say refuse to come. They are lodged in his throat. He can barely breathe. Even if he could speak, he’s not eloquent enough to express his feelings adequately. James deserves someone smart, someone who belongs in his world. James is a rich lawyer and Harry is a penniless criminal - they are on opposite sides of the courtroom.

A sob forces itself out of Harry’s mouth, and suddenly, he can’t stop crying. He turns away from James’ concern. Oh, well done, Harry. Crying like a baby after sex and an ‘I love you’. He wipes furiously at the tears but can do nothing for the band tightening around his chest and his shaking shoulders. His face is a blotchy, ugly mess, he knows - he’s never been the prettiest crier - and no one needs to see it.

“Harry? What’s wrong?” James puts a hand on Harry’s shoulder, and he is too weak to resist. He holds Harry close, close enough for Harry to hear his broken heart beat, his own sadness pushed aside. If only harry had James’ strength and could stop bloody crying and get over himself. “Harry.” His name is whispered so reverently, with such love, that Harry’s tears fall even harder.

It is only when his eyes have dried up and he notices his uncomfortable position in James’ arms that Harry pushes away. James stays where he is, giving Harry some much needed space.

“You can tell me what’s wrong. Harry, you know I’ll listen.”

“Don’t you get it?” Harry screams, leaping to his feet and staring down at his lover. “I’m in love with you and that scares the hell out of me!”

James is as still as a statue. Harry licks his lips in anticipation. This is not how he would have liked to have admitted it - in a perfect world he would not be wearing another man’s engagement ring, nor would it be in the heat of the moment after sex. James deserves so much better than everything Harry can give him.

“You love me?” James finally asks, his brain seemingly short-circuiting.

“Yes.” Harry whispers.

“And it scares you. Why?”

Harry takes a deep breath and employs one of James’ own techniques; he stares at a point above James’ head and pretends the man isn’t gazing at him with teary, mooning eyes. “It scares me because Ste is comfortable and familiar, and you are new and exciting and so, so incredible. It scares me because if I leave him for you, I could lose everything. My job is with Ste, my family are closer to Ste than to me, my friends - the few that I have - will not take kindly to a relationship with you, and I will most definitely have to leave home. I’m putting a lot on the line for this. It scares me, because I’ve never loved anyone as much as I’ve love you right now. And I know that I will love you more and more every day that we are together. Loving you scares me, but I want nothing more than to be with you properly.”

Harry finally looks down into James’ eyes and is blown away by the sheer emotion pouring out. James says nothing, only moves closer to him and slowly pulls him closer.

“I understand.” James smiles, looking deep into his eyes. “I don’t blame you for being scared about taking this step. I would be too. But, please… leave him.”

“I will.”

James refrains from rolling his eyes and sighing. Harry knows how many times he has said that and done nothing.. “Leave him now. Not later, not tomorrow or next week, or once you’re married. Now. Run away with me.”

“Now?” Harry already knows his answer. Yes.

James nods. He takes Harry’s hand and slowly works the engagement ring off his finger. He puts it on the bedside, never taking his eyes off Harry. “I’ll buy you a better one.” The thought warms Harry from the inside out.

“You already know my answer. I will run away with you. Now.”

James’ smile is blinding, and harry believes that maybe he can be what James deserves, if he can keep smiles like that on his face. He swears to do better by James, to be worthy and prove his love every day. He wants to spend the rest of his life with James, and he will make sure it is a life full of happiness.

James packs a few essentials, but they forgo packing clothes, determined to be on their adventure as soon as possible, and they are heading out to the car less than half an hour later. As they get into the car, Harry can’t help correcting James. “It wasn’t going to be sunny.”

“What?”

“The honeymoon, with Ste. It’s to Aberystwyth, in Wales.”

James scoffs. “Well, we can do better than that. I will take you wherever you want to go.”

“I love you, James.”

For a moment, Harry fears he may have given James a heart attack. The man stares at him, gazing adoringly, until he suddenly shakes himself out of his stupor. The grin he gives Harry is blinding. “I love you too, Harry Thompson.”


End file.
